Oh Galaxy! Oh Galaxy!
I used to have a love jones for my Galaxy S4. I found her thin figure titillating. Her sinuous curves captivating. I drooled over her gorgeous super AMOLED display and was infatuated with her featherweight physique.
I came from a Blackberry world so it was positively bracing to use a browser that didn’t crash. I also loved that there were abundant apps for almost any task. I loved everything about that phone.
“I got a love jownzzz, for my smartphone; for her body and her skin tone…”
That’s my geeky adaptation of classic collaboration rapper Method Man rocked with Mary J. Blige in the 9’0s hit “All that I Need”.
Man I love that jam.
But one thing I no longer love is my Galaxy S4. In this post I’m going to show you why my feelings aren’t inconsequential and why you might want to consider annihilating your Android too.
First things first: I want to say that I feel no antipathy against the Samsung Galaxy S4 itself, it’s the Android platform that has compelled me to take a bite out of that tempting Apple known as the iPhone.
My Galaxy S4 actually proved to be a very robust phone. I’ve dropped it multiple times from hip height, unprotected on asphalt, but the screen never shattered.
Since the phablet was large, I usually slipped it in my butt pocket and often sat on the phone while driving but even that never fractured the beautiful display. I even toilet baptized my phone while texting my brother at the urinal.
That’s right, I dunked it in a bowl of piss and almost fried the insides. Fortunately, I was able to resurrect my phone by replacing an inexpensive part. After that baptism debacle, I was absolutely amazed that my phone still worked; considering it isn’t hermetically sealed and therefore is susceptible to water damage, I honestly didn’t expect it to work.
I’m sexy and I know it
The other thing I really loved about my phone was the sex appeal it had. Holding the Galaxy S4 naked, with no silly phone cases or protection, felt great. Holding it with dry hands on a cool day was almost impossible because the phone body was so dang smooth. Moreover, the phone looks hot too. Samsung did a great job designing something that I not only want to hold but also look at.
But despite my gushing over the phone there was on thing that always vexed me. It wasn’t a big thing but it was one of those little, persistent, gripes that wasn’t major enough to vocalize but invariably gnawed at my heart, pricking my nerves until I felt I would explode.
I’m talking about the stupid keyboard on the Galaxy S4.
I mean, on the one hand there are some pluses: you can make it easier to type with one hand by using the hidden floating keyboard or you could use Swipe-to-text gestures to yell at your wife faster than conventional texting affords. But ultimately I found the Android keyboard atrocious!
Bored with the keyboard
For example, this past Spring my boss and his girlfriend sent out an invite for an “Easter Soiree”. It was going to be a nice evening at his abode in Brooklyn. Music and friends were expected to gather and lounge and basically just relax over casual conversation. I’m sure everyone was looking soigné that day and I wanted to strut my stuff hahaha but alas, I couldn’t.
I really wanted to attend but had a prior engagement so:
- I unlocked my smartphone
- Found the email invitation and
- Clicked the link to issue my response
As I ruefully began typing my regrets the stupid phone would autoinsert a period following each space. Unfortunately this didn’t show up on my phone so I didn’t realize it was doing this until I already posted my reply and then checked the guest list from my PC the following day.
We are.sorry we.cant.attend.due.to.a prior engagement with family.
Do I look like an idiot or what?
Thank you Android for making me not only look stupid but feel it too. I appreciate it!
Yes yes yes, I know I could have fiddled with the settings and preempted the problem by swiping some obscure option off but this is the thing: I don’t want to be importuned with this crap. The Android phone should have this feature enabled by default.
So my anipathy toward the Android OS has been burgeoning because the keyboard seems inimical to communication. I was actually reluctant to type using it because it was such an onerous problem.
The other issue is the stupid phone app.
I just want to make a call!
When I want to call someone that I call all the time, such as my wife or brother, I don’t want to have to do the finger tap dance to…
- Press the Home button
- Find the Phone app
- Wait 1 second for it to load
- Tap the Recent Calls list
- Tap my Wife’s name
- Wait 1 second for it to load
- Tap the green phone icon to place the call
- Wait 3 seconds for it to connect
Seriously, who wants to go through this crap? The phone app is crap.
crap. crap. crap
I thought this was smartphone? It feels like a dumbphone because when I wanted to place calls on my old flip phone do you know what I would do? I would flip the lid and press a single button to dial – try beating that for easy.
Ahhhhhh… okay I’m getting worked up now I need to cool down.
My inability to type and place calls were two issues that galvanized my jump to the iPhone but the “final straw” I’m about to tell you about next really set me over the edge.
The final straw
So check this out: like most people in the world I use my phone as an alarm.
Every night before sleeping, I set or check the alarm, put my phone in airplane mode, confirm it’s charging and then slide it under my pillow.
I like to think of myself as a sapient smartphone user so I’m always careful to do these things. I never sleep with airplane mode off because then I feel like I’m getting cancer from sleeping on the radio waves emanating from the phone. I’ve been doing this for over a year with Galaxy S4.
Well the other night I went through my mundane ritual but when I woke up the following morning my phone was missing.
After searching under my pillow I noticed it was on the floor, still charged but face down.
Oh okay, so the phone slid off my bed and dropped on the floor, no biggie. It’s only bed height so it’ll be fine.
I quickly turned the phone around and noticed the screen showed no visible signs of damage.
Relieved, I pressed the power button but instead of seeing the blood red Verizon Logo that I usually see at boot up, all I saw was blackness.
Well, except for one little thing:
There was a horizontal, pixel-thin psychedelic, green line flickering from the left side of my phone to about the middle of the display.
Everything was black except for this pulsating, chromatic display of various hues of green.
I instantly knew there was internal damage and resolved to have Verizon confirm my trepidation.
And there was nothing Verizon could do.
And that’s unfortunate for Android because since this happened right around the release of the iPhone 6 I decided now is a prudent time to investigate the iPhone.
The iPhone 6 was on back order so my wife gave me her iPhone 4s to break (I mean play with) until my new phone arrived. After installing iOS 8.0.2 on the phone, and messing with it for about a week – I fell in love with it.
The iPhone is just so human friendly. I can type without periods and I can place phone calls to recent people by just double tapping the home button and tapping my wife’s name.
Best of all, the OS just feels right. It feels fluid, it’s snappier than my Android and feels perfect. I’m now becoming an iPhone fan.
Now I just need to modify my little song:
“I got a love jonz, for my iPhone; for her body and her skintone…”
I’m a happy man.