In the spectrum of categorically silly error messages this one has got to top the list.
Before I go on, I think the funniest error message of all time is this classic:
Keyboard not found: Press F1 to resume.
You may remember this humorously paradoxical message from a decade ago. It’s one of those things that makes you stop and scratch your head:
If you can’t find the freggin’ keyboard, how do you expect me to press F1 to continue?
This Java error is almost as bad. Here’s the sequence of events:
Your day is full of merriment and excitement. Friday is just around the corner, you’ve got plans to eat pizza with some old college friends and you’re generally feeling pretty good.
But your sanguine mood doesn’t last long. Suddenly, without warning, you see the following alert sprout from the system tray:
Java Update Available. A new version of Java is ready to be installed! Click here to continue.
Ah, I have an update? Okay, let’s install this one.
A single click sends the notification balloon into oblivion until a few seconds later a new alert steals your attention:
You already have the latest Java Platform on this system
So, wait wait… if I already have the latest Java Platform on this system, why are you still bugging me about Java updates?
And the worst part is the cycle repeats ad infinitum. A few days later you see the same Java Update alert message but when you attempt to install that duplicitous update, Java shouts:
Psyche! Ha, you’re already updated! Gotcha!
What’s going on here?
The jocundity of Java
By default, the Java Update Scheduler runs as a weekly process called jusched.exe.
This annoying little process is not only constantly waiting for updates but is also slurping precious memory that should be apportioned for those things that are most important to you (such as ordering that killer Grandma pizza from Umbertos).
Let’s tell that blasted Java updater to go away. We can manage our updates just fine thank you.
Killing the Java updater is going to be the highlight of your day today.
Press the Windows Key and type and enter this phrase:
After a few seconds, the Java Control Panel should lumber onto the screen.
Hit the Update tab and then uncheck Check for Updates Automatically.
By the way, if the checkbox is disabled it’s because the Java Control Panel requires administrator privileges for modification. The quickest way to get around that is to:
- Find the Java Control Panel executable (the filename is javacpl.exe)
- Hold down Ctrl + Shift while clicking javacpl.exe to run it as an Administrator.
You can normally find that elusive javacpl.exe program hiding in:
C:\Program Files (x86)\Java
You’ll see a folder named jre. Click that jre folder then choose the bin folder.
The bin is like the local pub for javacpl.exe and all his wacky java homies.
Alright, so after we uncheck Check for updates automatically, a warning will bark at you about missing future security updates.
Click Do Not Check to make the stupid window go away.
This also has the serendipitous effect of killing jusched.exe from the process list.
This will fix things for you – but you should still occasionally check for updates just to make sure your Java installation is current. One way to do that is to head on over to https://www.java.com/en/download/installed.jsp and run the Java update verification tool.
Great! We’re good to go.
Now that you’re in control of your life and can get on with your weekend pizza eating plans.
Incidentally, if this article helped you, consider saving me a slice.